Midnight Musings

Why is it that when I look in the fridge I don't see any food? Or when I look in my pantry the shelves are bare? Or when I look in my food storage room, I have no food? I have food in my fridge, I have food in my pantry and I have food in my storage room. I have a feeling of panic and fear, and this weird thing where I feel like I can't even eat the food that I do have and that I have to ration it and save it or I might be without food. I have NEVER been without food in my entire life!!!! Where does this come from? My first thought goes to my "story" that I've told many times over, about how my mom was vegan for a lot of my childhood and so we hardly ever ate "junk" food. I think that I believe that it wasn't fair that I never got to eat the stuff that other kids were allowed to eat. I remember that when I babysat I would totally look in the cupboards and fridge and find the least healthy foods to eat, and I could pound that food like no other. I remember eating so much that I wanted to puke. I did a few times but I've always had such a hard time puking that it was more trouble that it was worth. I remember that I've always compared myself to other people and always had a vivid imagination about what other people were thinking about me. I have to confess that I still have that imagination, I have thought up a few crazy stories, and I felt and reacted as if they were real, I have created a lot of sadness, fear, confusion, and heartache for myself by letting it go off like I do. I want to just be. and be ok with it. That doesn't mean that I don't dream and move forward, it almost means the opposite of that, I think that if I were able to get that babble mouth in my head to shut up, I'd be able to just let my feelings and my true, higher self be my guide. I wonder why I saw it as negative. My Mom taught me about health and nutrition, and alternative healing modalities. I was taught to trust in our bodies, and to believe in the power of our bodies and that we can heal ourselves with nutrition. I believe that even more now that I've been studying food and nutrition for so many years. That's the main thing I get down on myself about, is that I have the knowledge and I don't practice it. I know for a fact that if I changed my diet and lifestyle, and consistently was consistent with eating raw and juicing, and consuming living foods that are created for life, and with moving my body, I would be happy at least most days, and it would eliminate MOST of my negative self talk. I want to be LIVING THE LIFE I WANT!!! not just dreaming about it. why do I feel so crippled when it comes to doing it? some kind of belief that I won't succeed or that I won't be as successful as someone else, or that I just can't do it, that I don't have what it takes to actually have a great life. the things i want in my life are not tangible in the material sense, they are feelings. I want to feel a sense of pride in my life, I want to be happy with who I am, I want to be me, the person that I dream of. I want to feel like nothing holds me back from doing what i want to do to be happy. i feel like there is a lot more of me that I could tap into if I just felt like I had the energy to do it. I feel so tired all the time, I know that that would go away if I ate what I know in my gut that I should eat. If I moved my body more, I would have more energy to be a fun mom, I could do what I wanted to do without feeling like it would take too much outta me. the more life I want to live, the more  living foods I need to consume. it's all about action and consequence, if I want more in my life I need to feed myself accordingly. Also I know I need more sleep, especially time before midnight. I could drink more water. I think it's really about adding stuff, and having the mentality of choosing what I want to do for a reason, not just because it's what feels best at that moment. sometimes we need to do things that feel hard to get the results or consequences that we desire. something I need to realize is that I need to keep going even after it starts to feel better, I want to go all the way, I don't just want to be satisfied with part way there, I want to always keep going, keep working towards what I want. while doing all of this moving forward stuff, the most important thing I think, is to be in the now. be present right now, this is the only real thing there is. the future and the past aren't real right now, I want to live right here and right now because my life is passing by without me being present. I put too much of myself into the future, and then am sad when I come back to the reality of the present. so the decisions that I make right now are what matters. Jezelle, start listening. and you have food in your house, food that might take a little work, but will nourish you. think sprouts and wheatgrass! living foods! foods that carry the energy that I want to feel! I don't need to be feeling any more dead that I already do, so eat the LIVING FOODS!!! I CHOOSE LIFE. I CHOOSE HEALTH. I CHOOSE ME :)