Day 9 - HCG - Confession

I truly think that Zip Lock bags are a conspiracy, don't you think???? Most packaged things you buy, especially in bulk, need to be kept in a bag and the ziplock bag is the ultimate invention for food not going stale, BUT why don't the packaged food manufacturers make their packages re-sealable?? I know some of them do but the majority don't. I don't know it just seems like such a waste to use 2 bags for each bag of fishy crackers!! And yes I do have those bag closers from pampered chef but I only have so many and they always get lost!!! Anyways, that's my vent for the day. 




I so wish I had a Kirby!!! My 5 dollar garage sale vacuum just isn't cuttin' it!!! 




So, yesterday I did good for most of the day, then when I got home from my friends house at about 7:30pm I HAD to have some of my homemade chili...not a good thing to have, it's heavy and I'm sure it has lots of fat from the hamburger. ok, so this is my first (major) slip up, so I was thinking, "what was I thinking????" and to be honest I don't really think I was thinking anything. It was such an automatic reaction to my wanting it that is was over and done with before I could really stop myself and realize the setback that it would bring. I felt full and grose all night and I was burping chili burps...not tasty!!! and lo and behold, I went up about 2 lbs. I don't even really know how to analyze this. So, like, how am I not going to do this again??? well.......I really think that it's a matter of realizing that I'm worth this and that I want it. If I have these two things in my head, I think I'd be able to stop. I look back on my MANY dieting attempts and as soon as I'm starting to succeed I somehow sabotage myself. It's like I have such a set idea of how I am, that I can't let myself change anything. I have this weird fear of losing weight, or at least of what it's going to be like once I actually get there. I wonder if something happened to me when I WAS thinner and that's the fear?? I have no idea what it would be but it's something to think about. Because really when I think about being thinner I am really excited and I think of all the things that I'm excited for. I can't wait to shop in regular stores and wear cute clothes!! I can't wait to be comfortable changing in front of my husband, I am so excited for the day that I can sit on the ground without feeling totally uncomfortable with my huge roll in the way of me sitting up straight. My son the other day said, "Mom, you have a baby in your tummy" and I said that I didn't but why did he think that...He said          "Because you have a big belly." He's also said that he loves my belly because it's big and bouncy!!! Out of the mouths of babes!!! It's just simply the truth!!! So what can I really say or do except to something about it myself. I am also excited for the time when I don't think that every time I walk into a room that people are thinking ewww, she's such a huge fat cow. Or when I'm eating that people that see me are judging me for simply eating, because why would I keep eating when I'm this fat and especially when I'm eating something that isn't the healthiest thing in the world, that's even worse because I'm even thinking it. So I know that that's not just going to come with losing the weight, that's going to need some mental work, but I really am excited for the day where I can have guilt free dates to restaurants with my husband. The other thing that I think when I'm out with my husband is that people are thinking like "why is he with her??" like he deserves so much more. Also, I was thinner when we got married so he wouldn't pick me now and he's just stuck with me. 


So, these are the thoughts I need to deal with, I think that these thoughts are also some kind of motivation to NOT cheat. Is this really how I want the rest of my life to be, worrying about what people think of me and also being uncomfortable in my own skin?? I don't think so. 


OK, I have a million more thoughts but I don't really want to sit here and keep writing so for now, I'm just going to keep on truckin' and keep on keepin' on!!!! lol 


I've done perfect today, I still need to eat dinner, I think I'll do a salad with either chicken or steak on it. I've been to the gym 3 days in a row, totally proud of that!!! I think that joining the gym was a really good thing. Especially if I can work out with friends sometimes. 


ok, off to make dinner.




ciao